My identity crisis.

For a very very long time, I’ve had no idea who I really am. That’s totally normal and everyone goes through that. Whenever I watch movies and TV shows I form a very strong connection with the characters. A lot of the time I will become so consumed with characters to the point where I try to be them. I slowly become obsessed with being that character. I don’t know if ‘identity crisis’ is the right term for this but maybe it is.

I remember when I was in grade 4 or 5 I would wear my glasses to school every day and I’d read science books. There’s nothing wrong with that, but I only did it to be like Sam from the TV show ‘Dani’s house’. I remember staying up late every night for a while watching Dani’s house analysing Sam’s character then impersonating her at school in a way. I got over trying to be Sam after about a week because it was too much effort pretending to be smart.

In grade 6 around all my friends and my crushes, I would act as if I were Cat Valentine from Victorious. I nailed her laugh and her weirdness and everyone loved me. I got so excited when my crush told me I reminded him of Cat because that meant I was succeeding at being her.

I’ve also wanted to be people like Cassie Ainsworth, (Where I would do little things like dress like her and say ‘wow’ a lot) Bella Swan, Jackie Burkhart, Gigi Hadid, Bella Thorne, and Chloe East.

There are four characters that have impacted the real Eliza because I’ve tried so hard to be them.

Emma Chota.

Emma is a character from the TV series ‘Red band society’ who has anorexia nervosa. She was so skinny and beautiful. I thought she was a little bit of a brat but I convinced myself I loved her. I started dressing like her and starving myself. I wanted anorexia so that I could be like her! I was obsessed with not eating and I would keep watching the show over and over again to stay inspired not to eat. I would watch triggering Emma Chota video edits on youtube if I ever felt hungry to stop me from eating. It was horrible. It just made me more and more depressed. (If you want to read more about my eating disorder/depression I have another blog post about it)

Last year I tried so hard to be Effy Stonem. I would practice makeup looks to look like hers and I would get myself into scary situations because I knew she would be wild enough to do things like that. I’m not proud of some of the things I did trying to be reckless like her.

Gabi DeMartino is a youtube. I’m not a fan of her anymore but I used to be. Her online character is a very girly, rich, Ariana Grande fan who loves pink. I changed who I was to be her. I watched every single one of her youtube videos from the past and I was subscribed. I bought a $40 chanel lip balm because she loves chanel. I bought all of Ariana’s albums and listened to them religiously because Gabi did. My Instagram theme was pink. Scream queens became my favorite show because it was hers and I spent so much money on pink decorations for my bedroom. I completely changed myself from being reckless and unsafe to being Gabi Demartino.

After a few months, I started being less obsessed with Gabi. But then I discovered the movie ‘Black Swan’. In the movie a character, ‘Nina Sayers’ is a professional ballerina who gets a role in swan lake or something. She’s a very innocent character who loves pink, has a good relationship with her mum, is a beautiful dancer and all she wants is to be perfect. After watching this movie I completely lost any trace of myself. I wanted to be like her but most of all, I wanted to be perfect. I kept starving myself to be as skinny as her and I listened to a lot of classical music and I would try and do ballet and dream of being a ballerina like her.

A long long time ago when I was young I would see things everywhere saying ‘Be yourself’ and I didn’t get it. I thought, being yourself is easy, just do what you want to do and don’t worry about anyone else's opinion of you. Maybe it is that simple and there is just something wrong with me. I don’t understand how people can be themselves so easily. I just want to know who I am and I don’t want to be anyone else anymore but I can’t stop.

This is a picture of Effy Stonem from Skins UK that I found on Pintrest.