Eliza’s eating disorder/depression.

Trigger warning. Depression, self-harm, eating disorder stuff.

When I was 10 - 11 I started being obsessed with my weight and how skinny I was. I didn’t care what I was eating but I tried to workout out a lot. I would weigh myself every morning and every night and write it down. After a while, I just gave up.

When I was 12 (almost 13) I had some friends over at my house for a sleepover and we were watching tv and eating chips and lollies. I felt so guilty after eating all that junk so I went to the bathroom to be alone and just chill. I hadn’t had any guilty feelings about eating before that night so it felt random but one of my friends staying over could eat any amount of unhealthy food and still be skinny so I was probably triggered by that. When I was in the bathroom I purged and then continued to starve myself days after that. After a few days, I would binge, then make myself purge again. No one really noticed.

When I turned 13 I started to relax more about my weight. I didn’t work out (I was lazy) and I didn’t give much thought to what I ate. I would only occasionally try to purge but it never worked or I didn’t try hard enough.

On Christmas night after a big dinner, I went to the bathroom and tried to make myself throw up because I felt so guilty for eating so much but my sister found me. I convinced her not to tell my mum and she forgot about the whole thing eventually.

Shortly after that, my family moved out of our small town where I grew up and into a city because I was accepted into a school. When I left my old town, my best friend started ignoring me and I had no idea why. It drove me crazy. I would constantly text her and try to get her attention but she kept leaving me on opened and she even blocked me on social media. I didn’t know what I did wrong and I couldn’t ask her because she blocked me. I contacted our mutual friends asking them to ask her why but she never told them why.

I started cutting myself to make myself feel better and for a while, it worked. It’s like I was punishing myself for doing something so bad for her to hate me even though I didn’t know what I did. I would wear long sleeve shirts or jumpers even on really hot days to cover my wrists. My depressed state got even worse because I was struggling at my new school. I had trouble finding the right group of friends and I felt as if I was good enough to be at the school.

I started starving myself and occasionally purging in order to be skinny. I thought if I was skinny I wouldn’t care that I lost my best friend and that more people at my school would like me if I was as thin as them. It was also a way to control all the change that was happening. The feeling of having control of something and being skinny was enough to get me to stop eating. When my mum noticed she was very worried and took me to a local doctor. I had weekly appointments where my doctor would weigh me and we’d chat about my eating over the past the week. We were referred to a therapist for me which was also once a week. I was diagnosed with atypical anorexia nervosa and depression. The doctors and the therapist couldn’t help me, it felt like no one could. I kept starving until I was almost admitted to the hospital. I was also prescribed daily antidepressant pills.

I slowly started eating again, but only a little bit around my mum and sister. The food I would pack to eat at school I put straight into the bin and sometimes I would sneak my breakfast (which was always banana bread) into a plastic bag so I could dispose of it at school. I gained a little bit of weight so I didn’t have to go to the hospital but I was still very unhealthy.

My family went on a trip overseas and while I was in Los Angeles I fell in love with Star Wars. I was happy most of the time when I was overseas but especially when I was watching Star Wars or even just thinking about it. While away, I ate a normal amount without even worrying about my weight or size. I became a healthy weight and I felt happy.

When we got home my depression was worse than ever because of people at my school. They weren't mean to me or anything they were just so amazing and talented it made me feel less important. I was going through friend groups basically every week. I couldn’t keep friendships and I didn’t connect with anyone the way I connected with my former best friend. I kept cutting myself and attempted suicide on a Tuesday night by taking a bunch of pills. I was rushed to the hospital and I was there from 9 pm to 3 am getting blood tests, talking to doctors and psychiatrists. My cousin drove to our house (2-hour drive) when she heard I was in the hospital. When I got home I went straight to sleep and the next day I didn’t go to school, instead, while mum was at work I spent the day with my cousin and sister.

I had only told my close friends about the overdose but a lot of people knew when I returned to school on Thursday. People were asking me if I was okay and I just said yes so they weren’t worried. I was feeling better but I wasn’t okay, obviously. Later that week I would text boys who were older then me asking for drugs. They reported me to the school so I got in a shit ton of trouble.

I had two new best friends, who meant so much to me. We hung out all the time at school and one of them lived super close to me, so I hung out with her before and after school a lot. I trusted her with everything and we could talk about anything. She was moving away at the end of the year so we only had a few weeks to hang out before she left. Oh yeah and that other best friend kind of got a little bit left out but only because she didn’t live near us. Anyway, one night the three of us had an epic sleepover on a Sunday night before school and we had an amazing time. We stayed up all night facetiming with one of my friends' boyfriend and we told scary stories and laughed a lot. I was beyond happy thanks to them. Then we went to Woolies the next morning before school looking like zombies drinking coffee. We planned another sleepover on the upcoming Saturday night and I was so excited about it.

The next day, (Tuesday), I took multiple pills after school and then I fell asleep. On Wednesday after school, I took more pills, probably around 14. Then I broke down crying to my mum. She took me to the hospital and we were there until 1 am. Once again I just got a bunch of blood tests and saw a bunch of doctors. Instead of going home afterward though, I was admitted into a suicide/depression ward in the hospital. They took my phone, my shoelaces, earrings, and anything sharp. I got my own little room with my own little bathroom. ‘Fuck you’ was written on the back of my door. It was like 1:30 am by the time I got to my room. My mum had left to go home so I was alone. I was allowed to close my door while I was sleeping but every thirty minutes a nurse would come in and check to see if I was ok. They never woke me but whenever I woke up in the morning my door would be a little bit open from when they came in.

The next morning, my first day in the ward, a nurse knocked on my door and introduced herself. She was in charge of me for the day. She took me to the lounge room area just to look around, not that there was much to see, then she showed me the daily schedule then she sat me down at the table to have breakfast and fill out my menu. I had cornflakes and bread for breakfast then I circled the meals I wanted for lunch and dinner and breakfast the next day. After breakfast everyone (all the nurses and kids) sat around the lounge room. We all said our names and then the nurses went through the day plan with us. Since it was a Thursday we had ‘school’ but that was just sitting in the schoolroom for an hour playing board games or painting. After ‘school’, my mum showed up with a bag of my clothes and a few of my books. I showed her around my room, the lounge area, the outside section. Mum and I played basketball for a little while and then she left. I had lunch and made my first friend. We weren’t supposed to discuss why we were there but this girl and I told each other our stories anyway. After lunch, my nurse checked my blood pressure and my temperature and we went through my safety plan for if I have suicidal thoughts again.

I was in the ward for a week, and I actually enjoyed it for a while. It was like I had stepped out of reality to a place where everything just stopped and I could relax and be by myself. My mum visited every day and my dad even stayed the night one time. On Friday night I was the happiest I had been in months. The night staff were really cool and normally lights out is at 9 but they let me and two other girls stay up later in the lounge room watching ‘Me before you’. It’s one of my favorite movies but the two other girls had never seen it before. We sat on the couch eating ice and crying because the movie is so sweet and sad. After the movie, I went to my room and wrote a note about how happy I was. I didn’t get to go to the sleepover on Saturday night, obviously, but my two friends told me it was fun but would have been more fun with me. They called me from Maccas that night and we just chatted on the phone for a while. Then on Sunday my best friend (the one that was moving) visited me and brought me a teddy bear that I named C-3PO.

My last night in the ward was the worst. I felt so suicidal. I was banging my head on the walls in my room and desperately trying to poison myself. I ate bouncy putty because it said do not eat but now I realize that was just a choking hazard not because of poison. My nurse found me and took me to the sensory room which is a room where you can be by yourself and listen to music and there were colorful lights and the roof look like stars in the sky. I loved that room, I was there almost every day. It made me calm down a bit and then they gave me an antipsychotic pill to calm me down and it made me fall asleep.

When I was at the ward my eating wasn’t monitored so I ate as little as possible. And then every night in my room I would stay up late doing situps and crunches. The day I went home was very exciting but I didn’t feel ready. I was happy to be gone but I knew I would just fuck up again.

About a month after my time in the ward everything had been going well. I had been eating healthily and I hadn’t had any suicidal thoughts. But one night I felt so bad randomly. I just remember wanting so badly to just be dead. And I was being impulsive and really wanted to just cut my hair myself. That night I stole a bunch of my antidepressants and antipsychotics. I could hear voices in my head driving me crazy. I texted a close friend saying ‘help. I want to kill myself.’ then I fell asleep from all the antipsychotics. At 3 am mum woke me up saying the police were at our house. I was so scared and confused but so tired and chill because of the pills. The police and ambulance asked me a lot of questions. My friend had freaked and called the police so they tracked me. After about an hour they left and I went back to bed. I hadn’t admitted to taking anything but then my mum took my phone and found photos of the pills which I didn’t remember taking photos of.

Not long later school ended, my friend moved and then yeah. That’s that. 2018 ended and then on the 31st of January school started again and I made a really good friend. She made me laugh and smile and she understood me.

Kinda lost contact with my ‘best friend’ that moved and I also had beef with her new best friend eek but I think that’s been sorted out.

I also made friends with this lovely girl who has been through what I was going through. We are still close and she’s an absolute babe.

I made another good friend who is 2 years above me. She inspires me so much and I don’t think she realizes how beautiful she is. I wish the best for her.

Anyway one day at school I was feeling suicidal so I took some pills and the ambulance came to school. That’s the only thing that’s happened this year though. I’m feeling a lot better.

If you know someone going through this shit or someone who is in danger, talk to an adult. And if you're going through this, also talk to an adult because trust me it will get better.

Thank you very much to the school for helping me through this.

And of course, thank you to my family and friends. Love y'all.

Also, I DON'T BLAME ANYONE FOR WHAT I WENT THROUGH. It sounds like I'm blaming other people but I'm not. and my friend from my old town and I are all good now and I make it seem like she started my depression but that's not at all her fault.

#fuckeatingdisorders #fuckdepression